Grey Divorce and Dating

Ready to move on,

open your heart.

Ready to move on, open your heart again and explore the possibility of entering into a new relationship with someone new, let’s talk dating after divorce. Depending on the last time you were on the dating scene, the landscape probably looks a lot different, especially for those of us in 50s.  I was a few months shy of turning 49 years old when my divorce was final, and my daughter would turn 14 a week before my birthday.  Serial monogamist that I am, I never dated much during high school or college,  And since I spent most of my life growing up In the South, and was mostly assigned to Air Force bases in the Southeast for much of my military career,   guess you could say I had a mostly old -fashioned, traditional, Southern Belle kind of mindset about what dating and courtship should look like. 

Yes, despite my 20 years of service and leadership as a military officer, I still held on to certain beliefs about what was “lady like” and who should make the first move.  But my oh my how the times have changed, and even though I have accepted this as the new normal, I still find myself clutching my pearls once in a while.  Enter the game changer known as online dating and all the nuisances that go with it. 

So here are some of the most important things you need to know if you're ready to explore this option as you take this next step towards finding love again.

Pretty in Pictures (PIPS) Not Gladys Knight and the PIPS

I know it may sound shallow, especially when you put it in the context of body parts which may be drooping, low energy, hot flashes, grown kids and grandkids, but your pictures are still where it can all being or end.  Similar to the way many of us approach food, we eat with our eyes first.  At a minimum, I recommend you post at least 3 pictures of yourself including a headshot, full body shot, and a photo that conveys something about your personality, lifestyle or hobbies.  Resist the urge to include pictures which are overly revealing or sexy, unless you want to give the impression that sex is the most important thing you will be serving on the menu.  What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander, so feel free to use a similar strategy as part of your selection criteria for deciding with whom you want to engage.  At a lot of men will mistakenly believe their looks don’t matter to us, and perhaps they don’t in the same way our looks matter to men.  However, if you are like me, having an initial physical attraction is still pretty important to me, perhaps even more so with online dating.  One of the main reasons a lot of us choose this option in the first place is because we have busy lives which leave us with little time to socialize and go out to places where we can meet people.  With so many people to choose from, and so little time to do it, similar to that first impression, for many it is the profile pictures which play the biggest role in our ability to determine this initial physical attraction.  So shy away from anyone with blurry pictures, shots from one angle, one photo at all, unless you see something else in their profile which might give you reason to reconsider.  Personally, I never engage with anyone who doesn’t have a picture.  It strikes me as a half-hearted, lazy attempt to get to know someone with minimal effort.  Remember you are the prize, and you are not interested in mediocrity of any kind.  Your calling in this life is too great and your time is too valuable to waste on anyone who is unwilling or unable to invest a little extra time and energy into posting a few pictures of themselves. 

Like Attracts Like

Be authentic, brief, creative, and positive. I know it may sound like a lot to juggle, but think about it from this perspective.  Take the time to draft your profile … read it and then ask yourself these questions: “How well does what I have written describe who I really am?”  “Have I provided a few specifics about some of the things that I am passionate about or that energize me, like travelling, dancing, hiking, cooking,”  “Have I focused on the positives in terms of a few of things I am looking for in a companion or long term relationship?”  “Would I want to date me?” “Why or Why Not?  Another easy way to do this is to take a look at some of the profiles that stand out to you and figure how you can emulate them while being true to you.  Bottomline: Take the time to think, so you can write something meaningful.  Try to be specific but succinct to minimize your chances of attracting interest of people who don’t represent your ideal or boring the ones who potentially do.  Share just enough to pique their interest without revealing too many personal details which could compromise your safety.  You want to give them enough to get the conversation started and see how well they can take the lead from there.

Safety First, Always

Bottomline up front:  Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to act on them.  That gut feeling … that small tiny voice on the inside (not the I’m scared or I’m shy one), you know the one I am talking about.  It’s the “something doesn’t feel quite right “one or the “this seems to be moving too fast” one.  Even though online dating is just as safe as most other forms of social media which allows us a tiny glimpse into the lives of our potential matches, that doesn’t there is no potential for certain risk.  As the relationship progresses from winks, smiles and hearts to text and talk, don’t exchange any personal contact information until you feel comfortable doing so.  As soon as you have certain basic information like full name and general information about where they work or live, go ahead and check out some of their social media accounts, preferably BEFORE your first face-to-face meeting.  If you see something that raises a flag for you rather than make assumptions or jump to conclusions which not be true, ask them about it.   Be respectful but firm, and then take the time to listen to their response.  Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions to give you whatever peace of mind you need, and don’t hesitate to pump the brakes and gracefully walk away if this peace cannot be achieved.  Once you are ready to take the all-important step to meet up in person, always drive yourself to your first date and make sure it is in a very public place.  It is s also a good idea to tell a friend or family member some details about who you are meeting, when, where, etc. 

If you are like me, this is not how you envisioned your love life in your 50s.  You were excited about the possibility of becoming an empty nester and running around naked in your house playing games with your spouse, semi-retirement rest, relaxation and travelling, taking those lessons you always wanted to take or even starting that business you always dreamed of.  No worries, you can still do all of that, you just might have to do it alone for a little while as you look for a new love and let him “find” you.  Trust yourself and trust the process.  No matter how fabulous your life was prior to this point, your best days are never behind you.